I know I have been long, long, loooong absent - but times have been tough, so you’ll have to excuse me.

I am actually in the middle of an IVF 2 week wait at the moment - and this whole process is quite possible the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life. It is the biggest emotional rollercoaster with so many hurdles that pop out at you, just to trip you up.

I started this cycle on the 31st of December - one day before Mr Rudd’s medicare safety net changes that see the whole procedure cost an extra $2000 or-so out of pocket more. Anyway… all was looking great til first scan - I really wasn’t responding to the drug… They then upp-ed my dosage and I came back a few days later - still no good, and the nurses said I’d be lucky to get one or 2 eggs.

So… I went for my last scan - and by some kind of miracle, my ovaries ended up working overtime and I had 8 or 9 good sized follicles. Went in a few days later for my egg-pick up… they got 8 eggs, 7 were good and were able to be inected with a single sperm. 6 were successfully fertilised.

On day 4 - all of my little embryo’s were doing wonderfully… and they transferred one into my uterus… we got a picture of this ball of cells, and everything… very cool.

I then got a letter from my Fertility Specialist saying that unfortunately, none of my other embryos had made it to be frozen. I called them and found out that 4 didn’t develop past day 4 stage - and one made it further, but was of really poor quality.

I pretty much gave up all hope for the little bean they transferred… and I started to take home pregnancy tests every morning - all are negative.

I am totally gutted.

So, after 18 days of twice-daily hormone injections… we got some eggs… that turned into embryos… and then nothing. The really shitty part is that I still have to use estrogen patches and progesterone pessaries every day - even though I know this hasn’t worked. The synthetic hormones are playing havoc with my mind and body… it’s insane - and I wouldnt wish it upon anyone, ever…

So… now that you know where my heads at…. I have paid no attention to myself, my health, my weight loss in a really, really long time… since well before Christmas. I weighed in this morning at 124.8 - not happy at all with this. Really annoyed actually… but what to do…

Now that I have pretty much accepted the fact that this IVF cycle hasnt worked - and that this journey is going to be a whole lot harder and longer than I had ever imagined - I think I can try to get back on track again… ***try*** to do it.

To top things off… I have no fill at the moment. They had to remove it all for my egg pick-up because I had to go under anaesthetic… that was 2 weeks ago nearly… should really make an appt to get some put back in. Hmph.

Sorry about the down post - I have still been reading your blogs occassionally, just too, too pre-occupied to concentrate on anything else.

L x

Finally I got off my freaking arse and did something about my rutt.

I went to work yesterday morning - vented to the appropriate people - and consequently got 2 weeks of annual leave starting at 10am yesterday.

That gave me the chance to think hard and bring myself to finally face my fears and make an appointment for THIS MORNING to see Dr P.

Dr P was WONDERFUL and SUPPORTIVE and assured me that this ‘relapse’ is perfectly NORMAL and it happens to everyone - and she EXPECTS it to happen. She also told me how glad she was that I came back to see her because some people just ‘fall off the planet’ for months and months… she also stabbed me twice and filled me up 0.4ml - so I sit at 5.4mL now.

She also strongly suggested that I make an appointment to see one of their psychologists… and I have… just to be able to give me some ‘coping strategies’ so I don’t keep ‘punishing’ myself.

Sorry for not keeping you guys updated. It’s been really great to get some supportive emails and messages even when i’d pretty much fallen off the face of the earth.

I have been under so, so, soooo much stress lately with work, weight gain and the recent government changes to IVF rebates and safety net - it’s completely sent me out of control - and unfortunately combined with my full-ness factor wearing off… saw me gain, gain, gain. Only approx 2kg according to Dr. P…

I don’t want to be scared to go see Dr P again - if I need a fill… I will go… straight away… not 2 months later…

Hope this fill does the trick.

L x

… On the ‘no chocolate in november’ rule…

hello blog-land!

I have been so horrendously bad this last couple of weeks… and I am feeling the consequences… on the scales, emotionally and physically!

I have eaten wayyyyy too much, excersized waaaayyy too little, been drinking with my food… I have felt so, so out of control. It’s weird - how when I feel out of control over one aspect in my life… the rest comes crashing down - I have been feeling down, tired, emotional and super-snappy! Fun times!

I have decided to try and get a hold of myself before I do toooo much damage. That’s why I have decided that this month is No-bullshit No-vember. I have set myself some guidelines for this month - not around numbers and how much I need to lose -  but around making healthier and happier choices for my body…

• Absolutely no cheeseburgers!
• No chips (hot ones and/or crunchy ones!)
• No chocolate!

These 3 are my biggest downfalls easily… !!!

• Excersize for 30 minutes everyday… doesn’t have to be vigourous… just MOVE!!
• Drink 2LT of water everyday

Excersize is a really tough one for me to stick to… no matter how much I try… I don’t love it…. so if I can’t LOVE it… I am going to try and at least, make a habit of it. And I am always forgetting to drink enough water.

Last couple of guidelines for my No-bullshit No-vember are…

• No eating out this next fortnight…
• No weighing daily, hourly etc… weigh in FORTNIGHTLY (for this month anyway - hehe)

I am thinking this will be really tough - but I need to re-focus… and stop concentrating on the numbers and more on the choices.

Anywhoo… I guess I am just writing this here because writing things tends to hold me more accountable

I weighed in this morning back in the 120’s - boohoo! 121.5 to be exact. But, TTOTM is looming, and I am probably holding on to some fluid. Whatever… Sucks though…. I really like the “11’s”

I’ll try and blog a little more often now! I have been crazy busy! I have been lurking around the blogs… so I’ll leave some comments soon!

L x

Yay! This is the first Monday that I have ever woken up on - and seen under 120! So I am officially weighing in at 119.1!

Last week I was @ 123.3 - so that’s a big loss. But lemme tell you now… there was some BIG effort put in to lose that 4.2kg.

Stats are…

• I have lost 25.9kg since February
• I have lost 29.8kg since the highest I ever weighed.
• I have 44.1kg to go to get to 75kg goal
• I am under 40 BMI (38.9)

As for my Christmas Calorie Cull…

• Lost 3.2kg so far
• 9.4 to go…
• 9.5 weeks to do it in….

Well at this rate I am gonna be 12kg HEAVIER by Christmas.

123.3 kg

13.4kg to Christmas Goal? Do-able? Dunno.

L

Well… ’tis weigh in day - and as predicted in my previous post - I have gained a nice big chunk… Hopefully most of it has to do with TTOTM looming — but I can guarantee a nice portion of it has to do with my erratic eating and distinct lack of excersize/willpower/both. Hahaha…. it’s so weird reading back through my blog because there are soooooo many highs followed by bottom-of-the-snake-pit lows… and I know that if I was on this journey without the lapband… the bottom-of-the-snake pit lows would last weeks…no months and I would be heavier than when I began. But with this band… I know I just have to ride it out, and move on.

Today’s weigh in is 122.5

I don’t think I am going to continue my 10kg Challenge… I seem to be doing it on my own now! I guess it will always be there.. and I know the number I need to get to… so I’ll get there either way I’m sure! However, I am gonna set myself a Christmas goal… There’s 12 weeks til Christmas… well, 11.5 to be precise… and I wanna get under 110kg by then… do you think it’s possible? 12kg in 12 weeks? I think it’ll be pretty farking hard work… but surely it’s possible… I am averaging about a kg a week - even with the highs and lows…

It shall be named… my “CHRISTMAS CALORIE CULL”

Hahaha… Oh well… I was not one of the people who set goals at the very beginning - and I haven’t set rewards along the way… so I have to do SOMETHING to keep me on track.

Went to that wedding yesterday… wearing Size 18 dress… the BRIDE said “OH MY GOD… you are looking REALLY good” - but yet, my dear M-IN-LAW still had nothing…. absolutely NOTHING to say… Thanks for our support Minlaw… I will just whither away into a twig.. and you just pretend NOTHING has changed.

Anyway… Happy Labour Day Holiday all… (is it even labour day???) ((What IS labour day???)

L x

SO… I am back from my appointment with Dr Patroney — even if she was running almost a whole hour late!!

No fill for me this time. She was really happy with my progress this time ’round… I had loss 6kg since the appointment I had with her 6 weeks ago… She was happy with that… thrilled actually, because their expectation in 0.5kg per week… so I am sitting at a rate of double what they expect.

I am doing lots of excersize though.. and I was completely honest with her… I told her my meals are probably around about a cup before I am satisfied… not full… satisfied (apparently, I have discovered - there is actually a difference). So… what else? I also told her that I do get hungry a couple of hours before my next meal - but that I am in a really happy place right now, and I’d prefer to deal with the hunger… or grab an orange or fruche or something to tie me over. She was more than happy with that - but told me if I get to a place where I am hungry and I no longer have the energy to fight it, or my weight loss stops - that I should come in for an adjustment.

So… that’s my story at the moment. OH.. her scales showed that I weighed in at 119.5 or was it 119.4? I don’t care - I am freaking THRILLED with that.. means that I am finally on the downward slide after a couple of weeks of no movement. Happy me.

Happy, Happy Me….

L x

I just couldn’t help myself - I know it’s not an official weigh in - but I feel like dancing around the house anyway!

I am pretty bloody stoked with that!

My ultimate goal for this week was to get under the 120kg mark in-time for hubby’s cousin’s wedding - let’s hope this loss sticks!

BUT… My other goals are…

• Try and eat WHOLE FOODS - minimal processing, high nutritional value
• Try and eat a higher protein and good-fats diet (this does not mean no-carb - I just wanna shake it up)
• To squeeze in at least 20 minutes of excersize per day

Yeserday I followed ‘my plan’ - pretty much to the tee… I ate a LOT though… over 1600cals, but that was mainly because I had a handful or so of nuts - which I was horrified to find out was about 370calories!!! Baaaah. But, I am trying to not beat myself up over how many calories I eat - but reward myself for the quality of foods I eat…

I normally swim for 30 minutes in a session - but again, tried to shake things up a little yesterday and tried ’swimming intervals’ - went crazy-nutso-nuts swimming from one end to the other… then on the way back, gentle swimming to catch my breath and let that muscle burn subside. Got my heart rate up something crazy… took a LOT out of me and I ended up only swimming for 20 mins instead.

Feeling really good and positive… Need to remind myself in writing that in a week or so, I am due for my bastard ‘monthly gain’… so to be prepared for that scale fluctuation and just SOLDIER ON!!!

Also… based on this mornings number…

• 2.4kg to lose before I meet my 10kg Challenge (what do I do when it’s over?!)
• 9.8kg to lose before I am 1/2 way to goal
• 9.9kg to lose before I see 109.9kg
• 300g to lose til my BMI is under 40
• I have lost 25.2kg since February
• I have lost 29.1kg from the highest weight I have ever weighed
• I have not seent this number since I lived in USA… YEARS and YEARS ago…

Yay.

L x

Oh BTW… fill appt with Dr Patroney tomorrow morning… weigh in with jeans etc on will be more that what I weigh in with my PJ’s on @ home! Oh.. and last time I saw her was 12th August - weighed in at about 136 or 137kg.

Heya - reeeeally quick update due to the fact that I should be running out of the door!!

Today’s weigh in 120.7… total loss this week of 500g - MUCH to my surprise seeing the scales were not moving and then I went on a 3 day bender… lol… Perhaps my body needed MORE food… as I was craving all sorts of shit over the week.

6.8kg total loss on the challenge - I AM GETTING THERE!!!! 3.2kg to go… OH… and 800gm until the scales flash up with 119.9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

V happy with that result all considered.

Gonna update later tonight with some goals for this week…

 L x